Fair warning: This article contains NSFW imagery and language

Lonely Bears by Bear Bros Gaming

Does anyone remember Bad Taste Bears? Yeah, probably best if you don’t…

In Lonely Bears you must arm your weird little bears with weapon mechs and golden AK47s while protecting them with barbed wire fences, piles of dead bears and worse.

The aim of the game is to kill the other players’ bears and collect their corpses as trophies. But Lonely Bears have made a bunch of great design decisions. Each round you have to draw a new bear which forces you to spread your weapon and defence cards around and after each win in combat, you have to discard a card from your bear. This means that the balance of power is constantly moving back and forward as well equipped bears lose their edge and well defended players have to juggle their attention.

Every bear has the right to bear arms… and chainsaws!

On top of this there are event cards that can give lagging players a leg up. Abilities like Bearnap which allows a player with less trophies to steal another player’s bear and all their equipment.

The humour in this is exactly what I want from a card game. With ridiculous characters that run the gamut from dominatrix Heather in Leather to Special Ed (Who survived the entire game!). It’s just the right level of dumb without descending into…

Cucumber Sandwich by Cucumber Games

I’ll be honest. I find dick jokes funny, in the right context. Cucumber Sandwich is entirely a game about dick jokes but the problem with any joke is that repetition kills it.

In Cucumber Sandwich your aim is to grow your “cucumber” to twelve inches before your opponents. You do this by playing growth cards on your “cucumber”. The other players can try to stop you by dickocheting your growth, shrivelling your “cucumber”, reserecting discarded cards, or with an atomic eruption.

The humour fades quickly. Especially as it expects you to play 5 rounds per game.

If you’re familiar with take that style gameplay, then this is that with no innovations. If you aren’t, Cucumber Sandwich is essentially:

Play a card
Opponent plays a card that steals/cancels your card
You respond with a “nah mate” to block their card or another card to take control of the attack
Repeat until someone can’t defend themselves or takes the hit
Next player plays a card

I mentioned the Bad Taste Bears at the start of this article and Cucumber Sandwich feels just like those cheap tat penis characters you find in coastal town souvenir stores.

Check out Part 2 HERE